Why I'd Rather Not Believe in Soulmates
Friends, NBC
Despite its reputation as a light or even vapid comfort show, I've actually learned a lot from Friends, especially as I've been rewatching it during this quarantine period. For instance, powder is not the way to get rid of the distinct kind of discomfort that can only be caused by wearing leather pants, and couches are better off delivered to my house despite the exorbitant handling fee; that my first job will rarely ever be my dream job and that the whole idea of having a soulmate is an outdated and even harmful concept.
I say the last one because I have finally reached the episodes where Joey finally starts dating Rachel. It's insane how happy I still am over the fact that they got together and how upset I will forever be because they broke up for the most stupid reason, leaving her in Ross' arms again. I am a staunch advocate for this ship that never sailed, even if their whole fling was admittedly a ploy by the creators to buy this show another season. I can head on over to any forum and discussion thread, even start an actual debate with a person in real life (which I have done) and list down point after point on why I think so. And yet whenever I try to hear Ross and Rachel fans out, the only argument they ever present is that "they're each other's lobster", referencing Phoebe's theory from the 14th episode of the show's second season.
As their opponents endlessly besmirch Ross' reputation by saying that he was possessive and manipulative and insecure of Rachel's success, supporters don't even bother refuting these statements and choose to play the "they were meant to be" card for the nth time. Other people refuse to participate in this kind of behavior because it's corny and cheesy but I have opted not to because it is toxic.
Say, we are obsessed with the concept of soulmates and we meet someone one day who we are convinced is The One. The relationship is off to a passionate start: there are grand declarations of love and endless displays of affection and we keep ourselves locked away from the rest of the world. But eventually, our partner will start to show their true colors. They could talk down to us in a manner that is indicative of their raging superiority complex or force us to give up our careers and settle for a life lived forever by their side. All of these chip away at the relationship and leave us feeling hurt and drained and maybe even eager to leave. But because we are such firm believers in having only One True Love in this lifetime, we may end up overlooking these fatal flaws--claiming that those red flags are actually just a darker shade of orange that Pantone hasn't found a name for yet--and downplaying whatever we may be feeling.
We might even go the extra mile and gaslight ourselves, saying that we are the reason behind this drastic change in behavior. After all, during the honeymoon phase, they were a completely different person: sweet, sensitive, understanding, and attentive to our every need. It must have been something we did that set them off, something we said that unleashed the beast within them; thus, we were deserving to be on the receiving end of all that pain.
Sometimes, we could even peg this tendency of ours to hold on to these supposed soulmates because of low self-esteem. We might not think highly of ourselves, so we don't set standards or fight for what we deserve. We just take whatever comes because if we let it go there's no way it's happening ever again. I've had a friend who chose to stay in an abusive relationship for years despite repeated instances of cheating because he's all she's ever known, and she doesn't know if anyone would want to be with her again. The worst part is she only realized this when he had the audacity to break up with her. The love had blinded her for so long, and during that time, she fully consented to it.
Probably the most dangerous side of buying into this is wanting the idea more than the actual person. Ross was like this himself: he harbored a crush on Rachel since they were both teenagers because she was the beautiful best friend of his baby sister who would spend time in their house a lot. And yet he was convinced that she was the girl for him despite having no substantial interaction or conversation with her. Ross is a hopeless romantic, and I know this because I am one as well. He is in love with the idea of being in love, more than any of the girls he has jumped into relationships with because of his impulsive and aggressive nature. Obviously, this has led to a string of unfortunate events, the most notable of which being a disastrous mix-up of names.
Ever since I was little, I believed that the Universe had pre-determined someone for me, and it was my mission in life to find them and live happily ever after. I grew up in a house with parents who embodied everything I aspired to get out of a relationship. I was raised on stories of Disney princesses and eventually, power ballads and chick flicks that perpetuated the idea that love was the most powerful entity in the universe, and it could only be found in my other half/the other end of my red string/the missing piece of me/*insert other metaphors for soulmates present in media*. I made up imaginary scenarios in my head where my current hyper-fixation (this month, it's Timothée Chalamet) and I drink cocktails at our beach house by the sea as we watch the ocean swallow the sun whole.
It wasn't until I started having crushes on people in real life that I started to notice something wrong in my way of thinking. (Sorry if this is the only example I can give, I've never had a boyfriend!) I had this model of what my dream guy is in my head and if I ever considered anyone a prospective significant other, he would have to meet all the criteria, no exceptions. But I liked the guys I met at school too much to acknowledge the possibility that they weren't the "dream guy" I was looking for. And so, like any stereotypical Cancer would do, I idealized them. I avoided anything more than a brief interaction with them because the length and depth of a conversation was positively correlated to the number of turn-offs they would exhibit, which would cause me to stop liking them.
Although love is indeed a force to be reckoned with, having to rely on someone dictated by the heavens is not the most practical and realistic way to go in the year of our Lord 2020. Our agency rules over anything else on the planet and the option to get to know someone better, take things to the next level with them, and eventually leave if the relationship is no longer serving us is entirely in our hands. It's time to stop believing that the person meant for us is something that is given to us and start realizing that they are someone we choose ourselves.