“Being Alive:” Finding Solace in One Song

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I would consider myself to be a Broadway fan. I think there’s something breathtaking and beautiful about the orchestral swelling of overtures, the hushed vibrato of a ballad. Broadway and the musicals it showcases are captivating works of art to me, and I find it easy for me to become obsessed with the hottest new shows on the block. 

Which is why when Adam Driver sang “Being Alive” from Company at the tail end of Marriage Story, I was instantly hooked. I had watched Marriage Story far before COVID-19 had ever entered my peripheral, but “Being Alive” has stayed with me through the pandemic.

Before the pandemic, “Being Alive” was an instant earworm, by virtue of it being a beautiful song. In the context of Company (which my inner-Broadway fan much preferred to the Adam Driver version), “Being Alive” is performed as the last piece of the musical, a triumphant, climactic end to a musical about marriage. Raúl Esparza performs the song as Robert, the musical’s lead, in the 2006 revival of the show. 

Esparza’s version (which is the version of the song I’ll be referencing) is raw and emotional. There’s something so vulnerable in his performance, something that tips off listeners to his character’s opinion of marriage and his completed character arc at the end of the show. Esparza’s “Being Alive” captures the humanity of wanting to be loved and the exhaustion of being lonely. It’s a song that completed Company so perfectly, even if Stephen Sondheim considers it a “cop-out.” 

I don’t know how “Being Alive” turned into my quarantine crutch. Maybe because of the sheer loneliness of it and the way Esparza belts out his frustration and unluckiness in love. Maybe because of the steady build-up the song has to its end or the way the instruments complement Esparza’s vocals so well. Or maybe it’s just catchy. 

“Being Alive” has been my song on repeat while sheltering-in-place. I’ve listened to this song more times than I can count and have cried, smiled, and shared the track with anyone who’ll listen. “Being Alive,” in all its loneliness and desire for love, has made me feel less lonely and more loved. 

I think ultimately the reason I love it so much is because it’s so relatable. “Someone to hold me too close./Someone to hurt me too deep./Someone to sit in my chair,/And ruin my sleep,/And make me aware,/Of being alive,” the first verse goes. Through isolation and in life, all anyone wants is to be loved. “Being Alive” hits the nail on the head when it comes to the desire for human contact during quarantine. In too many cases, we’ve all been separated from our closest friends and lovers, our someones to hold us too close. In knowing that the sentiment of wanting that person, of needing to have someone who knows us too well, Sondheim makes me feel less alone. “Being Alive” is my reminder that I’m not the only one missing someone, and I’m not the only one needing a someone back in my life. 

We’re all living through the most unprecedented tragedy in recent history, we’re all struggling a little with being alive. Through isolation, perhaps the thing we want most is someone else to go through it with us, and that’s the only thing we can’t have. And when it’s impossible to find solace in other people, I turn to find solace in music. Sondheim’s composition and Esparza’s vocals are the company (pun intended) I need to power me through isolation. They make me aware of “Being Alive” at a time so surreal.