Consuming Thoughts of Loneliness
Some say the fear of loneliness is worse than death. As I read this alone in my bedroom I was amused by the statement. I’ve read stories on the Buddhist monks that would meditate by themselves for weeks. Were all they were experiencing was loneliness? Walking on the fine line of death at all moments? Maybe that was the key, and if so then why was it something we all were running from. I also thought of my introverted mom. When she asked to be alone after a hard day of work was she forcing herself into a dark state of solitude? That didn’t seem to be the case as she seems very joyed with time to herself. Then I thought about myself. I long to experience parts of living alone as I find it even better for the experience. Had that enrichment this whole time been a heavy sadness? No. I am still one to believe that people need people. I also believe the meaning in which we give words has power over our emotions and loneliness has become a dark storm in which I experience as watering flowers.
Recently I’ve found this subject of loneliness and the feelings that come from that word to be all-consuming. I am at the point in my life where I find myself having so much alone time but also feeling as though I need to keep updated with everything as very soon people will move away. I’ve found that in this alone time I’ve been trying to figure out how to still keep this sense of self when I am out of High School and more alone in the world. All of my past 17 years felt as though they were preparing me for the next step. I always thought the next step would be as easy as the first but I’ve only just now realized how fuzzy it is. I am in between a fork in the road but no matter what I am doing it alone. When I get to these moments in life when I get to have these choices, I always end up choosing myself no matter how hard that may be. Whether that is choosing what I believe really represents who I am or choose to be on my own.
I have a small fear of loving someone that a lot of other people have which is the fear of losing the space you have with yourself. But clearly, as much as I try to banish crushes, I’d rather watch When Harry Met Sally then sit with my thoughts are moments. Which is why I have these moments of conflict in loneliness. As much as I value my space to myself I still feel as if to be only by myself is so sham full and wrong I have to fill every open spot in my head. The other day I came to the simple moment of decision. I got out of class and I could either binge watch New Girl or go on a hike. For the first time in a long time, I chose the hike. All I could do was be full and present. Part of this may be in how alert I was as walking anywhere alone as a teenage girl is frightful. I refused to bring headphones so even once I got to my destination I couldn’t shut it out. Then for the first time, the next step didn’t seem so fuzzy, I knew what was the right step for the fork in the road. I also found that sometimes sitting just sitting can be one of the greatest joys of all. So yes maybe just indeed those Buddhist monks really do have it all right.
In this fork of the road, I’ve also come to determine this is the exact time I have to be by myself. I used to scroll through Instagram and think that one day I’ll know the perfect moment in which I no longer need it constantly. Little did I know I never did. I honestly could write a whole other article on the subject which I hope to do in the future. I can’t just leave you here with a complaint and no solution, that’s not really my style. SO here are three things in which I will practice and encourage you to do the same:
Live such a fulfilling life that you don’t need constant stimulation to amuse it
Loneliness can be a state where you are forced to be your priority over others
Turn off my screens and look around a little bit, the sky looks beautiful today!
Maybe I just feel this way about being lonely because in some sense I’m never alone considering all the house plants I have. This may be a radical idea but I think right now is the perfect time for you to spend with yourself. The people in your life will love you for who you are and the more you know yourself the better you can see what they can. So the next time you see someone spending time to themselves maybe just think to yourself, “I’ll have what she’s having.'' Then again maybe you're the only one you have to impress.